sorry, i was getting alerts before, every time a new comment was added to this, but then the alerts stopped so i assumed no one was writing anything, then i just tried logging on here and there are all these comments added that i didn't know about! i think this site is definitely still in its early developmental stages. - vrinda -

I just want to say that I supposed the point of this site was to talk, only a few of us seem to be saying anything and there hasn't been a comment now for more than a week.there's not much point in being on here if there is no feedback! lu x

I just want to ask if anyone else here has problems with forming lasting relationships with men? I have no problem attracting them (even though I don't understand how) they seem to be interested in me until they get what they're after, by that I mean sex, then I either don't here from them or they phone, text etc when it suits them and ignore me all other times. I'm beginning to wonder what's wrong with me. Am I never gonna be able to have normal loving relationship with a partner? Does my past stop me from being 'normal' with men? Any comments appreciated as this is getting me down! Lu x

Thank you Vrinda and Lu, it was nice of you both to leave those lovely comments :) Erin

I would just like to say that I think you have had a lot to deal with in your short life and I would like to applaud you for the way you seem to have dealt with things in a very mature way. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like coping with knowing your father is a rapist and murderer besides dealing with your abuse. Good on you! Lu x

wow. it's hard to know what to say that, even. that must be a huge weight on you to carry around, it must feel really unreal. i don't think there's anything strange about you for having those thoughts at all - you're searching for answers, explanations. i mean, it's not just 'isn't the world a cruel place' it's actually your father, which changes the whole perspective of things. when it's your parent, you feel this need to forgive that you wouldn't feel toward someone else. and i'd say if you didn't have thoughts like that there'd be something wrong, because it would mean you were repressing it and too scared to confront it - it sounds like a healthy thing to do, to look it in the face and search for answers. even if you never find them, you have to try, right? and if your friend couldn't listen to it and was critical of you for being open and questioning about it, it shows how scared she is to look fear in the face herself, so she has to brand you as 'weird' to make herself feel better, to feel like that darker world doesn't touch her. i mean, even if she didn't know he was a murderer, to at least know he was a rapist, that's bad enough. - vrinda -

Hi! I know this sounds so weird, but here goes! Today I was talking about Jeffrey Dahmer (a serial killer) to my friend, and saying how I felt sorry for him, as he must have had some awful things happening in his head. Another friend commented, saying I was morbid and weird. Stupidly I said "What's so morbid about wanting to learn what makes serial killers want to kill? Its not like I dont know anything about them", reffering to my dad. He killed a little girl in the US in the 70's, as well as his pregnant girlfriend, and one or two people in the UK in the late 80's (these were criminally motivated, not for his pleasure), and he was the little girl he killed, my sisters and my abuser, we don't know if anyone else was abused by him. The girl didn't know all of this, except that my dad was a rapist, and she still called me disgusting and weird. What do you think?? xxx Erin

sorry i forgot to sign my name! - V -

Pav, I think you must have been dreaming about the helpless feeling that things have happened to you and people haven't saved you from it, there's nothing you can do about the problems to free yourself, is how you've felt, and even when you're screaming no one's coming, and then you're just losing it, as a way of getting all the aggression out, because maybe you're bottling a lot inside? on the other hand... maybe you're bottling it up and not actually telling anyone so that they can help you? but i don't know, because i don't know your personal story. dreams are so dependant on knowing the personal story, but it definitely sounds like bottled up emotions exploding, and a feeling that no one will save you. i constantly have dreams where i'm in a horrible situation and i scream, and i can't get any sound, no matter how much force i put into the scream, it always comes out a choked whisper, just like you said it did in real life when you were waking up - i always think this must mean that i don't feel like i can actually ask for help. i must say that in a lot of ways i think i'm over the abuse, it wasn't a family member for me, it was the son of a family friend, who was about 3 years older than me and last i heard he was being put in jail for vandalism or something, years ago, and we never spoke to them anymore after a certain point so i don't have to see him, don't have any serious emotional ties to it, and once we disconnected from them, i finally told my parents what he'd done, but i was like 16, and it had happened from the ages of 3-7 or something. they never had a clue. i only remember like 3 instances of it actually, but i have the just instinctual knowledge that it went on for those ages, if you know what i mean, like i've blocked out everything else, thankfully. but actually i think, even if i am with a man now in a stable relationship, etc. these things still affect me without me even realising it, like...i know the first time i finally had sex, i know i waited til i was 20 because i was scared of it, but then when i did it it wasn't for love, it was because i felt like i needed to overcome a fear, and that's not a reason to do it! but then again, it did actually help me in some strange way. and then i also know that, between the abuse and also growing up watching my dad physically abusing my mother, and my mother and father both emotionally/mentally/verbally abusing each other, i got myself into some really bad relationships, not just boyfriends but 'friends' too. and i also realise even now, i find it impossible to ask anyone for help about anything! even like, help with cleaning the house, i'm always expecting to be rejected or told i'm bad for needing help. oh btw, i also, after saying yesterday i hadn't had dreams in a couple years, last night had a lengthy nightmare! very strange timing. it was a sort of...good nightmare? though because i think i was realising i can handle problems myself, or something. i was playing a video game with friends, who for some reason included the character nathan from 'one tree hill' ! and he got possessed by the game and came after me trying to kill me, and we were by this pool and he and another person were coming at me with baseball bats and he was saying he was going to smash my brains in, and i somehow managed to knock the other guy unconscious and let him sink into the pool and drown, and i tried it with nathan but somehow he came back to life and i realised wow i really need to find another way of dealing with this, and iw as scared so i thought to hit 'pause' and he froze right above me with this bat poised to smash me in, and i ran away from him and then found an unfrozen friend and asked her to help fight him for me, but she couldn't and was scared and i didn't want to be responsible for her dying either, so i said okay i'll find a way out of this...then i thought to turn off the power on the game console! and i'm like please let this work - and it did, he suddenly walked away really mysteriously, and we were in m y old house suddenly (not a childhood house though btw) and it was him and many others, walking silently out of the house, and then this guy at my office was my father ? and i was telling him everyone was a ghost and they were leaving now, but he couldn't actually see the ghosts, and i got so frustrated because he wouldn't believe me and i was saying, why won't you listen to me?? you have no idea how much i've just gone through today!

I am replying to message about only remembering nightmares, I am not quite sure how to identify members either! can I suggest that we add our username at bottom of message like Pav? I just wanted to say that my nightmares are usually to do with being chased or trying to get away from someone, I read this as trying to get away fom my abuser. I once dreamt that I had died and my family wanted me to be buried in family grave where my grandfather (abuser) is buried and all I could think about was never being free of him even in death! Lu

Hey guys, we were talking about dreams and night mares yesterday, and ironically I had my first nightmare in about a year and a half last night! Let me explain it and see if anyone has any explanations, then that would be handy............I dreamt that me and my mother were standing in the landing of the house where I grew up, I could feel my uncle's (who's my abuser) presence around me. My mum was doing different things on the landing and I was trying desperately to get her attention because I was so scared, because I could feel that my uncle was around somewhere (though I couldn't see him anywhere). But I kept trying so hard to get her attention, but it was like I was a ghost. She couldn't see me, hear me, just nothing. I became crazy with panic and desperately wanted her to hear me, I cried, everything. And then suddenly there was a change in me. I instead walked into the bedroom I inhabited as a child and became very 'dark'. By this I mean my personality and thinking suddenly became very 'dark' almost psychotic like and dangerous. I have never felt a feeling like it in myself before in real life. I am sure that that is what pure and simple insanity feels like. I suddenly went hysterical. I got a pair of scissors and starting cutting everything in the whole room (even big heavy items that can't usually be cut with scissors) into jagged crooked torn shapes, tearing everything apart, and cutting everything into the most hideous ugly shapes imaginable. I then began scattering black ribbons around everywhere, but I remember distinctly that most of them lay on the bed though I'd thrown them about randomly. I was still completely crazed and began to scream a really hideous sound, but I screamed 'Help!' twice. Just then I woke myself up whilst screaming, and a family member came into my bedroom (that I have now as an adult). Once I was woken I was out of that horrible psychotic dangerous state of mind.Even though in my own head and dream I had screamed 'help' in this really satanic sounding ugly horible voice, I'm told that my family member only barely heard me squeak 'help' twice in reality. This could be because my voice muscles were so relaxed because I was asleep. But what a disturbing dream. I'm still confused by it now, although feeling much better!!! Any interpretations guys?? I couldn't get back to sleep after that one! lol! Love Pav xxx

i'm sorry i can't work out some features on this site yet so i'm not sure how to work out who posted the message about how they only remember their dreams if they're very frightening - i just wanted to ask what kinds of scary dreams you have? because 99% of every dream i have ever had has been a really awful nightmare, so i can well relate to it. but then i learned one day that most of them were symbolic and if i just worked out what they meant, suddenly the dreams changed and got a bit easier to handle and weren't so terrifying anymore. i think they're scariest when you don't understand them. so what kinds of things do you dream? any patterns?

Hm...yes i always thought the building i didn't know existed was like me going 'oh wow, there's so much more to me than i even realised, i didn't even know to look for it' and i thought all the linen, that's a very interesting interpretation of it, i similarly thought it was different layers of me, like...the little girl was just the starting point, and now she's taken me to this whole other place inside and now i've got to work out all THAT stuff. and yes i thought the house was me as well, finding new places in myself, i meant the other man living there in the house with me was the intruder btw, they were the same person, like i just learned he was living in there all that time, and felt he was an intruder. you are very right that he could represent something like an old abuser. it could be a number of things. for all i know, it could just represent everything i'm afraid of. or you're right, it could be a fear of letting a man in. i've been in a really good relationship for over 4 years now and we're getting married this year, he's the first guy to ever make me feel really safe, but i must admit i had a lot of issues with trust, letting myself go, letting him in, etc. for the first couple years, like when we first moved in together it was awful, and that was when i had the dreams about the house, and the intruder, so you're probably absolutely right, i must have been subconsciously thinking well i'm now living with a man...but i don't know yet if he's a friend or a threat, and i'm scared. that would explain why he was sooooo many rooms away from me, after like a labyrinth of rooms. it must have been my brain putting up those rooms as obstacles to keep the man at bay, keep him from getting in too close to me. that would also explain why now that things are really good for my fiance and me, i never have those dreams anymore. thanks for helping me understand that! i don't know if the mother though was my real mother. hm...it could be either way couldnt it? it could either be my own mind going 'no i'm scared, don't talk to her, don't get in that close, i'm scared to get too deep and see all she has to show me' or it could have been a real mother...well, both my parents have always had a habit of not talking about things.

Hi Brrrinda, What you wrote was very interesting. I experienced the same problems as Luci in terms of always wanting support of my mother, and then my therapist showed me how to be my own mother to my inner child. It seemed to work wonders, as panic attacks I suffered for years dissappeared when I spoke to my inner little girl as a mother. As for your dreams, I think maybe the way that your mother got between you and your innner child may signify that in reality your mum is somehow in the way of you commiting to your inner child as much as you want to? Just a suggesstion. I could be totally wrong. The fact that you keep getting overwhelmed in too many things to explore (all the white sheets) maybe shows that all your emotions are overwhelming you once you get too close to them? And you can't possibly start to make sense of them just yet because there's too much there. The tardis-like rooms in the house may show different aspects of you. So one room may signify the woman you are to others (your 'front'), another may represent your anger, another your hurt, another room your need to heal etc (again I could be totally wrong, these are just suggesstions). The part with the hidden intruder and someone sharing your house (a man) is very interesting. The intruder could be symbolic of the abuser, and the man sharing your house symbolic of a man you might want to become close to. You are afraid though that the man you share the house with maybe an intruder. Basically you may be scared to trust men initially out of fear that they're intruders (like your abuser) to your house (your life). I hope all that makes sense...they're only suggesstions remember so I could be totally wrong! lol! But I hope you find it interesting to read my views on your dream to some extent Brrrinda. Pav xxx

I read your message with interest as I don't seem to be able to remember my dreams unless they are particularly frighening. I have never dreamt about my inner child but I have worked with a therapist on how to comfort my inner child when I'm scared or upset. I was constantly looking for emotional support from others,in particular my mother but it wasn't forthcoming and I found it strange at first but helpful to know I could give myself the support I needed. It gives me the courage to be the 'adult' and take responsibility for the little girl inside me that sometimes needs some care.

I was just reading through some of the comments here and found this whole thing about the inner child interesting - wanted to ask if anyone has ever actually had dreams about their literal inner child? like, for years and years i would have these dreams where i was having to rescue a little girl from a horrible situation, from mazes of thorny bushes, or from cages or from murderers, whatever. then one night i dreamt that i actually managed to save her and leave the bad situation. then i started dreaming that i was taking her and running down a street with lots of familiar shops and she ran off ahead and led me to this door and i was looking at this door thinking 'i never even knew there was a door there, where did it come from?' then eventually i was dreaming that i followed her in through the door, and inside there would be a huge department store, and i'd be thinking 'it didn't even look, from the outside, like you could fit this much in here' it'd be very tardis-like! then i'd be trying to find her in the store, but it was like a huge linen store and i'd get lost wading through tons of white sheets draped all over the place, and i'd feel overwhelmed by how much there was to explore. then one day i finally managed to talk to her! and she told me her name (i forget it now, i usually write all my dreams down though so it's in some book, don't think the name was too significant though), and she said she had something important to tell me, i think, but then her mother showed up! and took her away quickly and told me never to approach them again. (and i think that must have been like, i was getting too close to the inner child, so some part of my mind was getting scared and trying to ward me off from getting inside that dark place, maybe?) and then it's been almost 2 years i think since i had that dream, it was the last dream i ever had about her. but then i just kept dreaming about moving into a house that was tardis-like, and finding tons and tons of hidden labyrinthine rooms connecting all over, just door after door, and eventually i'd find that one of them led to the home of another occupier, a stranger, and i'd get really terrified realising someone else had been sharing my home with me all that time without me realising (some other hidden part of myself maybe? although maybe it was actually a fear or intruder, because it was always a strange man sharing the house with me). now i have to wake up so early for work, i always get woken suddenly by my alarm clock so i never have the chance to get into my dreams anymore, but i used to have about 7 dreams a night, every night, and get incredibly lucid and it was ALWAYS nightmares! really horrific nightmares, and my brain just started interfering and if something bad was happening, my brain would just jump in and freeze the event, then actually rewind it like a film, just restart it, over and over, to give me the chance to change events so that the bad things didn't happen, until i was just interfering so much i was actually awake. i read once it's 'impossible' to lucidly dream naturally, you have to train yourself, but i know that's definitely not true! anyway, just thought i'd share. sorry it's so disorganised! any thoughts?

MYSTICWONDER....INSIGHTS....BRRRINDA....LUCI....AND PIPPA PIRATE!!!! Hey guys and a big welcome to you all. Please feel free to post on here. You can post anything at all, as long as you post, as a dead group is...well...quite depressing. So just keep posting away with whatever comes into your minds, introduce yourselves if you want, whatever. But it's great to have you all in the group anyway!

Hi guys, This is for you...unfortunately it may feel there are fewer resources out there for men...quite hypocritical, because sexual abuse is very frequent amongst boys, as it is in girls. But here's a page that will be a marvellous starting point for you... http://www.dabsbooks.co.uk/shop/Books_for_Men.html#Adults_Molested_As_Children

I guess mine and Luci's conversation about finding the right counsellour really proves to anyone out there, that it's a bit trial and error finding the right one and it can be REALLY frustrating. But once you do find the right person, it is worth it. Most survivors have been with therapists they didn't feel comfortable with, or they wanted more from. If you feel that your therapist isn't giving you exactly what you want, make a list of what you do want in a therapist. You can then show your list to your therapist, but if they want you to compromise on your list, or make you feel uncomfortable just for asking for what you want, then change that therapist now! When looking for a new therapist tell them what you want from them (whatever's on your list) and if they can give it to you that's great, give them a go, if not, keep looking. Most therapists that are assigned to survivors through charities like 1 in 4 or Family Matters are chosen specially to suit the survivor anyway, but when choosing a private therapist it can be more difficult. So don't settle for second best!! Mine and Luci's conversations are proof that the right counsellour is worth waiting for and definintly worth looking for in the end. When I wrote my list I looked for someone who is: very warm, maternal, very caring, understanding, non-judgemental, very soft, and that's just the counsellour I got in the end. I am very lucky to have her. Your list may differ from mine, but make your dream counsellour list and then go out and find them, and don't settle for anything less!

Yeah! Isn't it funny how the inner child work really works?! I was amazed. Years of panic attacks disintegrated once I started working on my little girl (inner child). And finding the right counsellour is so key. I'm so glad for you that you've found the right one. I find that a lot of counsellours seem to use the 'typical counselling style' which is quite cold and clinical whilst still being polite. They don't really tend to show you care and warmth, and as a survivor their cold style put me of straight away. It just made me feel rejected and unsafe. It made my inner child feel 'on guard' whereas once I found a warm, lovely counsellour who was prepared to give some of herself to me too, I found my little girl warmed to her, and suddenly I was able to speak out and start the healing journey at last - with the support of someone I really trusted at my side.

I realise it's going to take time and like you I have seen all sorts of councillors, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, group therapy etc which helped to a certain extent but I still felt helpless. I have now found a fantastic lady who I see every few months on NHS who has been so kind and caring and has helped me a great deal, she has stopped me feeling sorry for myself and made me realise I need to get on with my life! I have also learned that I can take control of the inner child which was a revelation for me but as you say, it works!!

She also helped a lot with other issues I had. Since seeing her I no longer suffer from panic attacks (and I used to get awful panic attacks). She then taught me a technique for calming the inner child by talking to her and comforting her. I thought it was all crap but it actually works! I haven't had a major attack since!

Oh I know Luci! That's just like me, so it must be very common for survivors! lol! Unfortunantly I don't think we're going to heal our issues overnight but we will get there eventually. Working through them will give us strength too, and we will actually benefit from being faced with such a tough propersition and having to come through the other end! Then we'll realise how strong we are after coming through all the problems survivors usually have. Are you doing any counselling at the moment? Or have you found any support groups? I've been through countless counsellours and only just found one that's amazing for me. I went through counsellours on the NHS, privately, CBT, hypnotist/counsellours, all sorts, you name it! Haha! But finally I have found an amazing one who I found through the charity Family Matters. She's amazing. I'm not much good at talking about it, and I feel uncomfortable having to break down such intimate barriers with her. So we use art therapy instead. I use paints and drawings etc to explain how I feel. Then I explain it to her, and she tells me what she thinks of it. I've come further with her than I have in my whole life of seeing counsellours! She's wonderfully caring and human, unlike all those cold, uncaring counsellours that make you feel like you're talking to a brick wall!! I found the NHS pretty useless on the whole when it came to sexual abuse counsellours!!

Taking the abuser to court is tough and gruelling, a process that can last years, with no garunteed results. But if you still know that the next step for you is to take it to court, then the quickest way to go about it is to make a police statement straightaway. Go to your local police station, explain you'd like to talk to the child abuse department to make a statement, and they will take a statement of all the abuse from you there. The statement will then go ahead to the CPS (Crown Prosecution Services) and they will decide whether it's worth taking it to court (depending on evidence etc). It is always a good idea to know exactly what you're getting into before doing this. It is a tough journey, and not for if you're already feeling fragile and haven't healed properly. Talk to someone who specialises in taking child abuse cases to court. You can find more info for legal help by going to: http://www.napac.org.uk/survivors/support/legal/

Thanks for your reply. I don't want to be a victim anymore and hope that I can put the abuse behind me but I find it incredibly hard to raise confidence, self-esteem etc and therefore find it hard to make relationships work. I find it hard to put up boundaries and get taken advantage of (something I know about) or cannot accept that someone would like to be with me! I don't know if this behaviour is common but I can't seem to find a way of coping that doesn't involve some kind of 'self-destruction'!

If your thinking of taking things further by going through the courts, just remember you need lots of support and strength, as it can be a long and gruelling journey with no garunteed results. You can find more info for legal help by going to: http://www.napac.org.uk/survivors/support/legal/

In response to your last comment - that's so true - usually all those problems that stemmed because of the abuse don't stop till you just come clean about the whole thing! But it seems like such a hard journey to go on sometimes, to relive the pain of it all. But it's also the most worthwhile and refreshing journey I think! Congratulations for having come so far!!!

Family Matters are a London based charity that offer free short term counselling (12 sessions, once per week). The lovely counsellours always put you first. You can use art resources (painting, drawing etc) as part of therapy sometimes if you ask your counsellour once you've been assigned one. Website: www.familymattersuk.org Office line: 0147 4536 661 Help line: 0147 4537 392

If you have only just started your healing journey, I'd highly reccomend reading 'The Courage To Heal' by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. This book is specifically aimed at women, but male survivors will get a lot from it too. Reading this will have a big emotional impact on you for the better, and sometimes for the worse as you may feel the pain that is part of the healing journey whilst reading.

1 in 4 are a London based charity who offer long term free counselling, free workshops from anything to intimate relationships to anger management to building confidence and everything in between. The charity caters for everyone - men, women, any background, just get your name registered for the counselling and workshops! Everyone at 1in4 is a survivor themselves. Website: www.1in4.org.uk Telephone: 020 8697 2112 (please leave a message if no one picks up, they always get back to you!)

NAPAC is a haven - it offers info of all local support groups and local counsellours no matter where you live, and a helpline for you to get your feelings out. The helpline is both for information and for you to rant your feelings! Telephone: 0800 085 3330 (which is free from a landline, 3 mobile, Orange mobile, and Virgin mobile) Telephone: 0808 801 0331 (which is free from an 02 mobile, Vodaphone, and T-Mobile) Website: www.napac.org.uk See website for telephone line opening times. The NAPAC website also has its own forum for you to join (this can be very helpful for survivors). On the main NAPAC homepage, scroll down and you should come to a big purple button that says 'Join Napac forums' (or something like that lol!). Then join the forum! NAPAC can also give you info on groups for any other problems you may have, that stemmed from the abuse such as self harm, alcoholism, dissociation, phobias etc

MOSAC's a service for all non-abusing parents and carers of sexually abused children. They offer counselling, a helpline, info, support groups, befriending and a lot more! Please see their website for all the details. Website: www.mosac.org.uk Telephone: 0800 980 1958

I was abused for a few years and when I was old enough to avoid being alone with my grandfather, it eventually stopped but I also wasn't able to talk about it until I was in my thirties some 25 years later! Until I spoke out I lived with low confidence, low self-esteem and eating disorders and affected my relationships with people as I was always on my 'guard'.

Hey all, DABS books are also a fab resource for survivors. It's a website split into different sections for survivors. there are books to help you heal, stories written by survivors, books on assertiveness, addictions etc, and lots to help you heal now in any way you have to. Anyway, have a look for yourselves...it's far better than what I'm explaining! Website: www.dabsbooks.co.uk

Hi Luci! Thank you for your comment. I know what you mean, it's always a support to know you can talk about it openly and not have to hide it anymore. I was abused by my uncle, and I kept it hidden for years. Finally I just couldn't keep it down anymore. It erupted. And I'm so glad it did, because though it was so painful at the time, I am beginning to heal now. If anyone wants to share there stories, comments, or frustrations at the healing process, and general frustrations please feel free to post a comment about all that here!

Hi all, I just want to say what a good idea this is and makes it easy for people to talk about difficult subjects. I was sexually abused as a child by my grandfather and it has left me with various problems but it's good to know there is someone prepared to listen!

Often looking for help in healing from sexual abuse can feel like looking for a needle in a haystack! I know, I've been there! So here are a few places that are specially for you guys, and where you might find the support and comfort you need...

Just to wish everyone a happy new year (I know it's a bit belated, but better late than never! haha!) Also if you wish to join this group please feel free to request membership.